PMS: Ghana's World Cup and That Time of the Month

I swear I didn't make any of this stuff up. Not even the ridiculously unbelievable parts. It’s all true, I promise.

After a somewhat impressive performance by Ghana’s Black Stars at the last two World Cups, big things were expected at our third outing. If only we knew what was coming…

We lost to our usual whipping boys the USA and that wasn't even the worst thing about our tournament. There we allegations of match fixing with a video of certain football Administrators agreeing to bribe referee influence matches. In their defense, they were set up but as Micky Bricks said, "You can't con an honest man". This also wasn't the worst thing to come out.

Stories of unpaid bonuses and player agitations began to filter into the country but officials kept on denying them. I understand that a man is due his wages and no one would be happy if they weren't paid. What I didn't understand was why on the biggest stage players were more concerned about money than about playing. Forget about patriotism, it died long ago. Why not play for personal glory? Think of all the money you could make if you put up a great performance. Kevin-Prince Boateng moved from lowly Portsmouth to AC off the back of his 2010 performance.

I’m not sure what happened but the next thing we knew, there were rumors that our president had made available a chartered flight from Ghana to Brazil carrying in excess of $3 million (US not Zimbabwean). My first reaction was, “this is too ridiculous to be true”.

Turns out it was true. The news spread like wild fire on social media and foreign news outlets. Every news channel made time to mock the ridiculousness of the story. In this age of technology? The president confirmed he had sanctioned this transfer and some members of his cabinet didn't seem to see the big deal.

John Boye kissing his share of the booty

By this act, they had managed to caricature the whole nation till not one drop of respect was left to save face. One TV station, Globo, in Brazil managed to broadcast live the landing of the money plane by planting secret cameras somewhere. Apparently, the Brazilian government also insisted on counting the money so it could be taxed properly so the counting was also shown live on TV.  The sharing of the money was also shown live on TV. One player was shown kissing his share of the booty as he came out of the money room. The next day Ghanaians were the butt of all jokes on social media. The money plane saga was so incredulous that a Hollywood director is think of making a movie out of it. We lost to Portugal in our last game completing our disgraceful outing. There was still time for a bonus act as there was some controversy even about them coming home. It’s not like we didn't see all this coming before the tournament.

Mama we made it! pic.twitter.com/JnFI2WFeH0
— THE egyir (@The1TheyCall_E) June 25, 2014

Charle we made the news everywhere for all the wrong reasons pic.twitter.com/A7O7VNejmT
— Efo Dela (@Amegaxi) June 26, 2014

Meanwhile, back in Ghana, everyone was going on strike (or threatening to) due to unpaid wages. Polytechnic Lecturers at the time this post is being written have been on strike for 7 weeks. Not a single f*$k has been given about their strike. I’m not even sure the Government knows they are on strike because no serious attempt has been made to address their concerns. We can fly $3 million in 2 days to Brazil to satisfy under-performing footballers but can’t pay whatever pittance lecturers are asking for?

Then it was announced that on the first of July, Electricity tariffs would be increased by 12%, water by 6% and fuel prices were also expected to go up. This prompted a movement of social media #OccupyFlagStaffHouse which led to a demonstration. Police armed to the teeth tried to prevent this peaceful demonstration but failed. While the demonstration was going on, members of the president’s cabinet (Hannah Tetteh and Joseph Yammin) found time to mock the protesters further proving how far removed politicians are from the suffering of regular folks.

But this isn't my most ridiculous story of the past two weeks. Government has managed to secure a loan of $156 million to help support the educational sector. Part of the loan would be used for scholarships, new building and… wait for it… providing sanitary pads for female high school students. I swear I didn't make that up! This news sparked some hilarious comment and memes on social media to cap off a ridiculous couple weeks in Ghana. Given the way so many other government interventions have gone, you don't need too much of a stretch of the imagination to picture how this program will end.

You these twitter people... 😂 😂 😂 😂 pic.twitter.com/r9EaSR1zu2
— Efo Dela (@Amegaxi) July 3, 2014

In other news Zoom Lion Group of companied and rLG, are forming their newest subsidiaries to apply for the sanitary pad distribution.
— Edward Tagoe (@ttaaggooee) July 3, 2014

This is insulting. Just shocking RT @NobleQuansah: this creature is also paid with taxpayers money at the presidency. pic.twitter.com/OhmcxqdjFS
— Efo Dela (@Amegaxi) July 4, 2014

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Boat Race 2: A Political Parable

The champions of the regional boat race championship were invited to the annual International Boat race. China representing Asia, Ghana representing Africa, Iran representing the Middle East, Russia representing Europe, USA representing North and South America.

Each country set out on the task of designing a boat for the prestigious race. News began to filter in on various international papers and on social media that four Chinese Scientist had designed a boat called 'The Dragon' which traveled at twice the speed of sound. The USA promptly convinced three of the four said Scientist to defect and steal the blueprints for the boat. Minor modifications were made on the blueprints and at a well attended press conference, the US officials announced they had invented a boat called 'The Dragonfly' which moved at twice the speed of sound. They also took the opportunity to accuse Russia of trying to steal their blueprints. An accusation the Russian officials vehemently denied.

The Chinese government who understandably were incensed by this development immediately put in place a national media blackout. All social media sites were blocked and all Internet traffic was scrutinized. They then set out on developing a new boat which was shrouded in lots of secrecy.

Iran pulled out of the race after the US lodged a complaint to the organizers about the boat the Iranians used in their regional championship which was nuclear powered. An angered Iranian cleric was on Al Jazeera saying Iran didn't want anything to do with 'The Great Satan'.

Meanwhile, back in Ghana, officials were at a three-day conference at an plush hotel discussing their plans and strategy for the upcoming boat race. After a two hour delay, a popular musician performed at the opening day and the conference finally was underway. At the end of the three days, the officials decided to take a loan from the USA and use the money to buy a boat from China which would be captained by a Lebanese. The officials, of course, took home hefty per diem.

The Russians decided that they didn't need to design a new boat. The boat used for the regional championship was good enough for the international championship. The old boat was simply called 'The Boat'.

Finally, the much awaited day of the race arrived. The Chinese unveiled a new remote-controlled boat which they called 'Red Moon'. The Red Moon traveled three times the speed of sound and also doubled as a submarine. The USA brought out The Dragonfly which was painted in stripes of Red with scattered white stars. The Dragonfly had a four man crew. A captain, a co-captain and two cabin crews. The Ghanaian team unveiled a Luxury Yacht, called The Black Shark, bought from China with a loan from the USA. The team was made up of seven people one being the Lebanese who was the Captain, Engineer and Navigator. The other six, who were Ghanaians (who did absolutely nothing) came with their family members and two assistants each.

The 100 kilometers race finally began and in a matter of seconds, the Red Moon, the Chinese boat was at the finish line, the Americans in the Dragonfly arrived a few minutes later and the Russians in the Boat arrived about 30 minutes later. One hour after the Russians arrived, the Ghanaians were still nowhere to be found.

The US team, meanwhile was piling pressure on the judges and officials to disqualify the Chinese. According to the team's dapper lawyer, the Red Moon was technically not a boat but a UFO as it was not man-manned. Various experts were brought in to testify on their behalf. The poor judges, overwhelmed by all the technical details, finally decided to disqualify the Chinese much to the fans' disgust.

Two hours after the protests were over, the Ghanaian Yacht, could be heard but not seen approaching the finish line. There was a party on board the Black Shark and the music was so loud it drowned the announcer's speaker even though the boat was still 5 kilometers in the water. Finally, the Ghanaian luxury yacht arrived on the finish line, still in party mood. The leader of the team quickly organized a press conference at which he stated that they were proud of their achievement and of completing the race. According to him, their performance this year was something to be proud of. It broke the national (Ghanaian) record and marked a massive improvement in their performance in last year's race. They were looking forward to next year's.

The medals podium: first USA, second Russia, third Ghana and China, disqualified.  

The Black Shark

Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction. Names, characters and incidents are either a product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.   

This post is a sequel to another post on this blog, Boat Race.

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Boat Race 1: A Political Parable

An annual Canoe Rowing Competition was organized between Africa and Europe. The rules were simple; each team was to be made up of seven people and the first team to the end of the river would be declared winner. The teams were to decide among themselves the strategy they would deploy to win the race. They were each provided with a stop watch, money for what ever purpose they wanted and any number of oars they wanted.

The European team appointed one person as the leader and the same person as the time keeper. The leader bought a carton of energy drinks, sandwiches and promised the team an amount of money each if they won the race.

He formed a team of four rowers and two backs ups who would relieve two of the rowers a one third of the journey and the relieved workers would take over from the last two when they were two thirds way through the journey. At every time two rowed on the left and another two on the right. The leader did nothing except keep time and once in a  while utter give a few motivational words.

The African team elected a leader who in turn appointed an assistant, a time keeper and a motivational speaker. The remaining three were to be rowers. A box of cabin biscuits was the refreshment. The leader, his assistant, the time keeper and the motivational speaker were not to take part in the rowing.

The race began and the fans cheered and waited expectantly. The European team started a bit slowly but the leader kept motivating his team till gradually they picked up speed.

The African team started furiously and took a head start but soon problems began to arise. Since there were two rowers on one side and one on the other side, the rowing wasn't well balanced and the boat kept moving in one direction. The leader and his assistant kept berating the rowers and the motivational speaker kept using big words the poor rowers couldn't understand. The weight of the four executive members also added extra burden to the rowers. To make matters worse the rowers got hungry and eating cabin biscuit made them thirsty.

The European team arrived at the finish line a good three hours before the African team arrived. The leader of the European team true to his word gave the rest of the team some money as a reward for winning though he kept a large portion for himself.

The African team arrived later fighting among themselves. On arrival at the finishing line the leader formed a fact finding committee made up of himself, his assistant, the time keeper and the motivational speaker. The committees' duty was to ascertain the cause of the loss. Money was spent on refreshment and sitting allowance. The committee came to the conclusion that:

1. the rowers had been lazy
2. some of the rowers had intentionally sabotaged they race
3. the team should have had a navigator

It was decided that the three rowers be fired. Three new people were hired. One of them was to be a navigator and the other two were to be rowers. The two rowers were to start immediate training in preparation for next years race.

Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction. Names, characters and incidents are either a product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.  

Wednesday May 4, 2011

NB: Loosely based on a story i heard as a kid

Find Part 2 here "Boat Race 2: A Political Parable" 

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The Art of Paying Bribe

If you’ve lived in Ghana for a while, chances are that you’ve had to pay bribe at one point to get something done. Bribes are an unavoidable part of the Ghanaian society. Without them, nothing moves. One popular Ghanaian politician said corruption can not be totally eradicated from society.

There are certain etiquette one has to observe in paying bribes. No self respecting Ghanaian will accept bribes “just like that”. The giver needs to learn the right way to give it. I’ve attempted to document the rules that govern the giving of bribes.

LANGUAGE:

The giving of bribe inspires some of the most beautiful parables and proverbs you can find around. For example when giving a bribe, you don’t say, “Please take this Gh¢300 as bribe”. That’s just unacceptable. You have to say, “Please take this Gh¢300 to buy some pure water”. Never mind that pure water cost a mere 10p. This way the receiver can take the bribe with a clear conscience.

You also need to be wise enough to understand when someone is asking for bribe. Some time ago I had to get a Security clearance from the Police. I was told that it took two weeks for the report to be done or 3days for express. I paid for express and returned on the forth day. When I got there the report had not yet been done. According to the officer, there were so many papers on his table and his Binatone Standing fan kept blowing them away. He said he wanted a stone to put on my application so that mine didn’t get blown away. So I got him an expensive stone and right in front of me he filled the form and I was on my way.

PRESENTATION

You shall under no circumstance give bribe in a brown envelope. Brown envelopes in Ghana are synonymous with bribes so at all cost, avoid them. You can put the money in a white envelope or present it unwrapped. Bribes may not be presented as cheque or money order. If it has to be money, it should always be cold hard cash.

It is not bribe if it is not money. You may present your bribe in the form of hampers especially during festivities. Hampers have become a part of the Ghanaian society. You can even present a hamper in public without anyone frowning on it.

At the beginning of the High School academic year it is normal to see parents visiting the residence of headmasters with fattened goats. These goats are the means by which student who didn’t qualify ride into various schools. No one can accuse the headmaster of taking bribe; all he took was a goat.

Always remember, "it is not bribe if it is not money" 😂😂😂 #233moments pic.twitter.com/GBuY5znGcr
— Efo Dela (@Amegaxi) October 12, 2013

You may also present what ever money or gift you have to the person’s children. For example you can offer to pay his kids school fees for one term or buy a very expensive gift for his kids on their birthday or Christmas. No one can say that is a bribe, obviously the kids are not the same as their parents.

CONCLUSION

If for any reason someone is bold enough to ask you directly for bribe, you are not allowed to bargain. Just pay up.

Always remember, if you don’t pay it won’t get done. Just accept that and don’t give anyone a lecture on morality or patriotism.

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