Thursday, 24 September 2015

Politics and Political Reactions from Ghana

Imagine a scenario in which on the President's birthday, he takes a break from work and goes jet skiing with some unknown lady. Now imagine during the jet skiing there's an accident while the president is steering and the lady falls off and begins to drown. Now, imagine the president steps off the jet ski, walks on the water to where the lady is drowning and pulls her out of the water like Jesus did with Peter. What would be the general reaction of various Ghanaian groups?


(Hurriedly organizes press conference)
Bawumia: It is very sad that a time of economic crisis like this, the President is still adding years to his age while Ghanaians are suffering.

Mahama's latest antics have a negative repercussion on the economy. By walking on water, he's telling local boat makers and other artisans that their wares are not good enough to use and also encouraging the youth to walk on water rather that use made in Ghana life jackets.
This could also affect investor confidence in our economy.

I have in my hand a document proving that since that walking on water event, the cedi has depreciated by 25% and we are not likely to meet the IMF's target of single digit inflation by the end of the year.

When we come to power, we will ensure free educations from High School to PhD level.
Such arrogance from the NDC can not be tolerated.

(Gabe Otchere-Darko and co organize demo)


General Mosquito: All what the NPP are saying is nonsense. Besides, when they were in power they did far worse. We all remember in 2007 when then president Kufuor stepped out of an aeroplane and walked on air without a parachute for no reason. That led to the cedi dropping to it's all time low and affecting oil prices on the international market. When we complained they said it was part of the HIPC initiative.

Weren't we all in this country when the president's brother was seen celebrating his birthday at a time of economic hardship. He even added two years to his age and when we complained in parliament they said “yɛ bɛ wu nti yɛn da”?

Besides, what is wrong with the president walking on water? This could boost our tourism sector.


This is why our first president Osagyefo Dr Kwame Nkrumah built the Akosombo Dam and the Tema Motorway which in those days were the best in Africa. It is sad how both the NDC and NPP have allowed facilities to deteriorate.

Nkrumah had a vision to make Ghana the most developed country in the world. He started before he was overthrown by member of the the Danquah-Busia tradition in a CIA funded coup. If he had been allowed to successfully implement his plans we wouldn't be at a situation where the president would have to be walking on water.

Ghanaian need to open their eyes are realize that these two parties have nothing to offer.

(at the CPP press conference; low press turn out and CPP members present look disinterested and are busy discussing something else)



RT @TtdaBoi: The woman on the jet ski doesn't look like the first lady but that's none of my business (inserts appropriate meme)

RT @GhSavage: @TtdaBoi yeah but she's fine! I'd totally smash her (insert inappropriate emoji)

RT: @ArabaFNista: why was the president the one driving the jet ski not the lady? Patriarchy in this country is systemic

RT @ManUtd4Lyf: Charle that goal by Rooney though... World Class!!

RT @GhAtheist: Jesus didn't actually walk on water. Evidence suggests Jews in that era regularly rode a now extinct giant turtle called the Bullshitus imadethisup (inserts link here)

RT @Kofi_2fresh: Any girl that hangs her clothes on a nail is a hoe


yɛ bɛ wu nti yɛn da - should we refuse to sleep because we fear death? A Ghanaian proverb that basically mean fear of the unknown shouldn't prevent you from living


Tuesday, 1 September 2015

Fool Proof Guide to Grabbing (Chalewote 2016 Blueprint)

Guest Blogger: OOMF

You went to the ChaleWote 2015 street art festival alone and you returned home solo ? Don’t worry, we have a foolproof guide to help you find your life partner in Jamestown next year. The Chalewote street art festival undoubtedly has risen to become Ghana’s biggest street fiesta. We are still wondering why Oko hasn’t blown the whistle for it to become the city’s annual festival. Imagine how much this economically sick country could benefit from the tourism potential. Well, obviously the bearded Mayor is not an official whose thinking we can understand in less than a decade. The Chale wote street art festival is a different paradigm though, we have gone through 5 years of data, pictures, videos, trends, statistics and scripts, and we have analyzed same to come up with this scientific guide.
Come alone, if you wanna leave as a couple.
Chaley, forget those who don’t know Jamestown and want you to show them so they wanna go with you. It is a faux pas if you wanna grab. NEVER go with a girl. If you have to….then go with two. With this arrangement, no one will mistake her for your girlfriend and this will keep your ‘I wanna grab my crush at Chale wote’ dream alive. The unwritten rule is, if a guy and gal are on the ussher fort street on Chale wote day, they are an item. Simple. There will be no opportunity for you to explain yourself to anyone, because nobody  will ask, they will just assume. AVOID it. Go alone, or go with more than one lady, and play the ‘friend zoned’ boy game. Play it well, else go back home, you ain't grabbing

Wondering what to wear?
First of all just google ‘Chale wote’, this should give you tonnes of images on what others wore to previous Chale wote events. It is no rocket science. It is an art festival, so express yourself. No matter what you do, do NOT show up tacked in with shoes. You will become a twitter meme, and nobody would want you for a boyfriend or girlfriend. You are better off going naked than showing up in Jamestown with your office wear or your Sunday church service attire. Keep it simple, you can never go wrong with jeans – jeans shorts, jeans trousers, tattered, dirty……nobody cares. The dirtier the better, this is all art remember?

Go with an umbrella. Just do it!
We know how awkward it is to be with an umbrella at a street art festival. But trust us, the gains are much much more heavier than the losses with this strategy. A few paddies will laugh at you and perhaps you will lose your guy-guy title, yes we know, a guy with an umbrella at such a parade isn’t the sexiest scene on such a day. However, we do realize that, considering the month Chale wote is organized in (July/Aug), there is a 55% chance it will rain. And if that doesn’t happen, worry not, the sun will be so hot you will still need it at some point. In fact, during 3 of the 5 past chale wotes, there have been some drizzling or heavy showers at some point. This is likely going to happen again next year. When the rain starts, everyone will be looking for cover - canopies, sheds,  sheets, waakye leaves, handkerchiefs etc. This is when your umbrella investment will yield measurable results. Pull it out of its cover and target your crush. Trust us, this will be your fastest working juju. She will run towards you for cover. Be strategic about it though, don’t bring it out until you are close enough to her to realize you are the only smart guy in the bunch. If you unveil your umbrella too soon, your net might catch the wrong fish….and you might not be able to say no. If you bring it out too late, she might have already found cover by then. Be strategic, watch the clouds every now and then, and keep a respectable distance. Don’t be too aggressive, respect yourself!

Go with trotro, but keep enough money for cab on your return
If you have your own car, this post is obviously not for you. If you have worked hard to buy your own car, then you can obviously grab your own crush, close the browser and invest your time into something else.. This post is for those who need help. You are on a tight budget, we know, in fact, we all are. The economy is hard, but man has to make an impression. We got your back. It is okay to go to Chale wote with trotro. Trust us, nobody really cares what vehicle you came in. Keep the ‘laborrow’ favours your friend owes you for another day, don’t go for his car. In fact you will realize there isn’t much parking space on the day, and getting out once you have had fun becomes a puzzle if you are driving your own car. Jamestown is known for blocking roads without notice, and they do that all the time, don’t fall in that trap. Your return journey is important though, if you were lucky, and your crush liked you too, you may wanna go home in a cab, or take her somewhere nice to Osu, or wherever. At this point, trotro might not cut it. Come on!  Show her you are a simple guy, but let her know you can make things happen too.

By all means do check out the lighthouse
The lighthouse is the cheapest way to see all of Accra from that height. The other options are the Villagio’s $100,000 penthouse or an Emirates flight on a sunny day. For a small fee of Ghs 5, you get to go on an adventure you won’t forget. If you are targeting someone you wanna convert into your bebe, convince her to go with her. First of all, it will take her breath away. Literally it will. And she will remember you were the one who made that happen. If the lighthouse doesn’t scare her, then you should be afraid. Very afraid. It could be that she might have been to higher heights…….the World Trade Center maybe? You may wanna consider plan B if this is the case.
Secondly, from our research, more than 70% of the ladies who tried the lighthouse held the hands of the soul closest to them. They don’t really care who it is, it could be another lady, a guy, or the guide. Place yourself well well. After the first curve on the stairs, she would want a hand to hold unto, be ready! Don’t leave her hands because she will have no intentions of leaving yours. And when you get on top of the lighthouse, show her Accra, with a guy-guy attitude. She will be impressed, especially if she had never been up that high.

Image via @AeroShutter

Learn some Ga, it will come in handy
Ga is not so difficult to learn apparently. Most of the kantamanto stall owners speak fluent Ga but are either Kwahus or Ashantis, and they’ve been in the city for just a few months. If you want to make a good impression at Chale wote, learn a few words in advance. ‘Kpa’ is stop! ‘Kw3’ means Hey! These two should be a good start. Once you have gotten yourself hooked unto the lady you’d wanna convert, she will need some protection. See, take if from us, ladies love a guy who knows the street lingua. Chale wote is not just for adults like you, it is also a period for all the Jamestown kids to throw themselves unto the streets. The Chale wote crew does a good job at keeping them away, but abi you know….a Ga kid is a Ga kid, they cannot be chained. When the kids harass or keep on tailing you, throw in Kw3! This should keep them away. Not because it is a complete sentence, but because it tells them you are one of them…….they will let you go so you can complete you mission. Or carry on from wherever you left off.

Hungry? Avoid the pito joint
The pito joint is super tempting tent. If you need some dutch courage to boost your morale, don’t drink more than one calabash of the liquor. Avoid it repeat doses. First you might end up spending all your taxi fare on it and secondly it might foil your grabbing chances. Pito has a way of leaving its signature on your breath…just get one calabash and brush it with a hacks toffee. Leave the rest to those who have already grabbed, or those who wanna bury their Mahama induced misery. If you want more to drink find the fresh fruit stands, grab yourself a cup. Most of these sellers run promos, look out for the ones shouting in the middle of the Mantse Agbona park, you are sure to get a good affordable drink. Some also offer discounts, yet they wait till the customer asks, so never forget to ask the most important question whenever you buy at Chale Wote – “No discount anaa”???

True colors? Double check
Chale wote is a mine-field for art. Some of the art don’t look like art at a first glance, you may have to turn your head at 180 degrees to see the hidden meaning. Others have no meaning at all, and that is their art. But the art is not restricted to the objects alone. The attendees add lots of flavor to the art. On the day, you might struggle a bit to identify certain people since they wouldn’t be in their everyday clothes. So when you see a nice lady you like, get closer……much much closer. Does she still sparkle? If she does, well then she has passed the first test. Take her though two more tests. Get her to wash her face with water…..if the make-up washes off, then she is not the one you want to be with. Trust us, anyone who uses cheap ways to deceive you isn’t worth dying for. However if the make-up still sticks, then she would have passed the second test. It means her make-up isn’t cheap, but she could still not be as sparking beneath.Use the 3rd test to check how she looks beneath………..…Hm! There is no 3rd test. Take a leap of faith, your worst would be a dadabee girl who knows it is wiser to spend on genuine make-up. Her gamble paid off……you are the victim! Live with it.

Natural Hair? Don’t mistake her for a Feminist
Gone are the days when natural hair was the best way to identify a feminist. With the plunging economy, many other ladies are kicking their hairdressers off their monthly budgets. It is much easier now, because now it is seen as a cool thang. Nobody knows the main reason is to save them some extra cash. They say convenience is their reason….. yooo, we hear.

But hey, perhaps you don’t wanna spend the rest of your life with a lady who swears it is not her duty to carry foetus for 9 months once you get married, and because of that you have made it a point to avoid feminists? Don’t make the common mistake of assuming the natural haired ladies at Chale wote are all feminist. Actually our data shows  a majority of them are not. So how do you identify those who are? Well first a true feminist is likely to show up with another true feminist. So if you see two or more natural hair ladies admiring art with big English, that is not your corner. Go somewhere else where you can find peace. If that is a hard litmus test for you to implement, try this one. Ask them what they think about a Female Ghanaian President. If their answer is “well it depends on who it is”, chances are she is not a true feminist. If however her first paragraph has the words ‘misogyny’ ‘patriarchy’ or ‘male privilege’, my brother, FLEE! Flee without thinking about where you are headed.

Enjoy your Chale Wote Street art Festival . If you have unique grabbing stories you wanna share with us, let us know in the comments else tell us what you think about what our years of data reveals.

by One of My Twitter Followers


Tuesday, 14 July 2015

The Joys of Onye Sɔɔmi

“Onye sɔɔmi” is such an enigmatic phrase. In its truest meaning it’s a vulgar insult directed at someone’s mother but actually it’s so much more than that. I speak three Ghanaian languages and each of them has tried to replicate it but none has achieved the same oomph or range of emotions of the original “Onye sɔɔmi”.
The closest I can come to describing “Onye sɔɔmi” for non-Ghanaians is that it falls somewhere between the N-word and the F-word but it has more flair and emotions than both words.
Having spent two years living in Kaneshie, a predominantly Ga community, I managed to get some understanding of this enigmatic phrase. However, I think no one who isn’t a Ga can fully appreciate the joys of “Onye sɔɔmi”.
I will attempt to catalogue some of the various situations in which “Onye sɔɔmi” can be and has been used.

Onye Sɔɔmi Standing Ovation:
Every afternoon in Kaneshie, men of all ages would gather under trees to play Drought. Sometimes I would visit one of the game venues to enjoy the spectacle. Any time one player was in a position to take three or more of his opponent’s pieces; he would alert the spectators and count aloud as he took the pieces. With each count, the spectators would shout “Sɔɔmi!” After the pieces were taken and all the “Sɔɔmis” said, everyone would clap and start discussing how good the move was.

I also remember one time I was at video center watching an FA Cup match between Arsenal and Aston Villa when Alexis Sanchez scored a really stunning goal. The goal led to a spontaneous eruption of joyous “Sɔɔmis” and each time the goal was shown, the “Sɔɔmi” was longer and more dramatic.

I came to the conclusion that when it was used as a sign of admiration, the “Onye” was dropped and just the “Sɔɔmi” was enough.

Onye Sɔɔmi Salutations:
A stranger in Kaneshie or any Ga community for that matter could be forgiven for thinking “Onye sɔɔmi” was some form of greeting. Every morning’s serenity was shattered by what sounded like happy “Onye sɔɔmis”. Friends shouting them at each other, irritated people shouting them at dawn preachers and random people just shouting them because they could.

Often, but not always, “Onye sɔɔmi” is accompanied by a hand gesture that is sort of like a thumbs up sigh but with the thumb moving up and down. One thing you should know is that you can’t go interfering in friendly “Onye sɔɔmi”. If you are not friends, it is just a very offensive insult.

Onye Sɔɔmi Chain Reaction:
One thing I noticed about “Onye sɔɔmi” is how one shout of it leads to many. Recently, I was in traffic on the N1 when two drivers got into some sort of misunderstanding. They suddenly stopped side by side with no regard for other road users and started exchanging heated “Onye sɔɔmis.” This led to other drivers becoming irritated and they too started shouting “Onye sɔɔmi”. It was an Onye sɔɔmi buffet interjected with load honking and a few other choice swear words in other languages.

Qualified Onye Sɔɔmi:
Sometimes “Onye sɔɔmi” is not enough and I would hear people add other words for impact. I remember hearing Onye sɔɔmi kakalika (cockroach), Onye sɔɔmi 2 by 4 (why 2 by 4 I will never know), Onye sɔɔmi chin gom (chewing gum) and a few other inexplicably qualified ones. I have no idea what informs these ones but I came to accept that no one but a Ga can really appreciate the intricacies of “Onye sɔɔmi”

Insulting Onye Sɔɔmi:
When used as an insult, the “sɔɔmi” is often dropped and just the “Onye” is used. I never really got to fully understand the insult part. I remember a woman in the house I lived who constantly insulted her son by saying “Onye sɔɔmi”. It didn’t really make sense to me since she was the Onye in this case but as I said, only a true Ga can really appreciate the joys of Onye sɔɔmi.

Onye Sɔɔmi Chronicles:
My first clear funny “Onye sɔɔmi” incident occurred when I was in class 5. Of course before then I myself had used it a few times but none of those were memorable.

I was in class 5 and I along with some kids were attending our first French class. We were learning to conjugate the verb “etre”. The teacher called each of us to read what he had written and needless to say, we struggled.

One guy was called to read “nous sommes”. The poor guy, who already had problems reading in English, had no idea what to say. The teacher encouragingly helped by pronouncing the first word, “nous”. The guy then confidently said “nous sɔɔmi”. This led to the class bursting into laughter which in turn made the teacher very angry.

In conclusion, you should know that “Onye sɔɔmi” is not for everyone. Before you can trade friendly “Onye sɔɔmi” with anyone, you should have previously established a relationship with the person. Anything apart from that and you can expect a very angry reaction.
Go ahead and enjoy your “Onye sɔɔmi” but be circumspect and do it in moderation. 

ps: Onye Sɔɔmi is pronounced "Own yeah Sore-me" the more "ɔ", the longer you stretch the Sore


Friday, 15 May 2015

The Second Book of Dumsor Chapter 3

1 And in those days there lived an irreverent man in the land of Ghana, whose name was Dela who the people called Efo.
2 He was the son of Thywill, the Son of Byhisgrace, the son of Godswill.
3 On the eighth day of the fifth month which was the day before the Sabbath, he journeyed home from the Accra Mall with two companions.
4. And as they talked about the things that had happened in the land, he heard a voice say to him,
5 “Son of Man, thy house and thy neighbor’s house and all the people that live around it thereof are covered in darkness as it was in the days of the plagues of Egypt”
6 and he knew it was the voice of a generator
7 but Efo Dela was perplexed and cast in his mind what manner of madness this should be, “how can it be that I understand the language of Generators?”
8 and the voice said onto him, “let not your heart be troubled Efo, for the fear of Mahama is upon thee and this has made it so”
9  And he trembling and astonished said, “what wilt thou have me to do?
10 but the voice was silent for the generator had run out of fuel and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.
11 Then said one his companions Kwasi bar-Adu, “what manner of wailing is this?
12 And the one of them, whose name was Nii, answering said unto him, “Art thou only a stranger in Accra, and hast not known the things that it is Champions League Night”
13 And Kwasi bar-Adu said, “you fool, that is on Tuesdays”
14 then Efo Dela said in a loud voice, the people wail for they have no fuel in the generator and darkness covers the land.
15 “How doth thou know these things”, they asked
16 “A Generator spake them unto me”, Efo Dela said
17 but they scoffed saying, “Art thou not Efo Dela whom the people of twitter call Amegaxi? And art thou not possessed by the Spirit of sarcasm?” and their unbelief was exceedingly great.
18 as they drew near to home, their eyes beheld the darkness and they looked at Efo and were amazed and their countenance towards him was changed.
19 Now Satan, who is the deceiver, had seen the suffering of Ghanaians, he saw how babes were plagued with heat rashes and how the people suffered to sleep in the heat
20 and he said to himself, “The Lord of host is merciful. For in his anger he casteth me not to Ghana but to Hell. For in Hell though the heat abideth forever the fire provideth light but in Ghana they suffereth heat and darkness”


Tuesday, 12 May 2015

Dum Raider vs Dum Rider: Battle to Build Rome

When John Dumelo said Ghanaians need to be patient with John Mahama because “Rome wasn’t built in a Day”, I’m sure he didn’t expect anyone to take much notice. After all, Ghanaian celebs have been talking and no one ever listens. Unfortunately for him that didn’t happen. Long suffering Ghanaian youth took to social media and gave him quite the bashing.
Step up Yvonne Nelson, John Dumelo’s sometimes best friend and in his own words, “Ride or Die Chick”. She wasn’t having anyone of it and started the #DumsorMustStop Hashtag on twitter. 
She along with some other celebs have organized a vigil and are expecting many people to turn up to protest the worsening power crisis. Somehow I doubt people would have taken Miss Nelson seriously if artiste like Sarkodie hadn’t come on board. Relax, this has nothing to do with sexism. Miss Nelson can’t seem to tolerate views that aren’t in line with hers and has blocked more people on twitter than anyone I know. Besides, how come she was silent till now? Sarkodie on the other hand has been talking about these problems for a while now and interacts well with people on social media.
Honestly, did anyone really expect everything to go smoothly? I was part of the Maiden #OccupyFlagStaffHouse march. Even after we had sought and were granted the requisite permission, they still tried to prevent the march. Police armed to the teeth showed up on the said day and scared away quite a number of the demonstrators before the rain came to drive away even more. I’m not saying the government is responsible for the heavy rain that day but I am not saying they aren’t either.

Anyway, turns out the organizers of the Vigil hadn’t asked permission to use the University of Ghana field. Their plan B, was also thwarted because Total didn’t want to be involved in anything political which is understandable. Then the Ga tradional council petitioned to have the Vigil ‘postponed’ because there’s a ban on noise making before the Homowo festival. Most people suspect that like the rain on the day of the #OccupyFlagStaff house march, Government has something to do with the stance of Ga Traditional council. After all, why aren’t they complaining about the constant noise from Generators everywhere? 
For now it looks like Government or which ever hand is behind the frustration of the vigil is winning as most of the people on social media have a short attention span and quickly move on to some new and more interesting topic. Will people still turn up for the vigil and if they do, will the number be as huge as it would have been if it had come on earlier?
We live to see how this epic battle goes. I for one I'm just here for the laughs. That's how I've decided to deal with the frustrating, never ending power problem in this country.
For now, this is our prayer:


Wednesday, 22 April 2015

Press Release - Gird Center Rebrands

Gird Center Rebrands—Strengthens Support Services for Business and Creative Community

Gird Center, a writing, editorial and training services company based in Accra, today introduced its new corporate brand, together with a new logo, tagline and customer service approach.

The rebranding reflects the company’s vision to become the global icon for exceptional writing, editing and training support for theGhanaian Business and Creative community.

Gird Center has set itself apart in providing the highest standards of writing, editing and training services to Private and Public sector Organizations and Individuals.The new tag line: “We Write, We Edit, We Train” highlights the company’s expertise.

Chief Executive Officer of Gird Center, Nana Nyarko Boateng, states that the rebranding exercise is more than just a change of logo. She stresses that the new Gird brand focuses on providing innovative ways to help Private and Public sector Organizations and Individuals meet their written communication objectives.

“Our customer reach has expanded and our approach to delivering value has matured. We have taken a good look at our positioning in the market and have strengthened our team and network of leading experts to respond to the needs of our increasing clients,” she added.

The center held Ghana's first Writing Camp in 2014.Approximately 40 young people were admitted to the camp led by Prof. Ama Ata Aidoo, Dr. Mawuli Adjei, Mr. Paul Ababio and Mr. Rami Batie. The Gird Writing Camp supports young creative and entrepreneurial Ghanaians to build skills for writing in the business, creative, and academic environments.

Media Contact: Anguah Sarpong, Communications Director
Call: 0263144621 |Email:|

Sunday, 17 August 2014

Ghanaian Trolls, Almost All You Need to Know

Trolling is an art and I don't mean to brag but i'm good at it. I was trolling long before trolling was cool. Social media just gave me the platform to take my talent to places that hitherto I couldn't. Back in the old days, trolling was considered a noble art and us trolls had a lot of respect. These days, the profession is full of glory hunters who have no respect for the etiquettes of the job. The rise of these glory hunters has led to a sort of uprising from the trolled.

If you have to use profanities or insulting words then trolling is not your calling. If you have to think too long for a witty come back, trolling is not for you too. True troll’s stings are instant and comes from using their targets words or mistake against them. In a way a troll is a predator lurking somewhere near by just waiting to pounce.

Most of best Ghanaian trolls reside on twitter. It's amazing how much sting one can fit into 140 characters or less.

Meme Makers
@Qwestmatic and @Mike_Nkansah were meme lords extraordinaire long before the "abrokyire" memes, vines and GIFs flooded the local meme industry. Like the cheap imported Chinese fabrics that have virtually collapsed the local textile industry, these foreign memes have threatened to kill the local meme-generating sector. These two, in addition to the new-age cohort of meme-generators have, however, held their own by providing Gh Twitter with all-purpose as well as specific memes.

Long before I knew they were called memes, @QwestMatic was making them. Qwest is the Rumpelstiltskin of memes. He turns innocent looking pictures into hilarious memes. He'll make you famous for reasons you might not be too pleased about. His meme are not generic memes of people who live far off in other countries.  They are of people well known on Gh twitter. By crudely photoshopping regular pictures, he’s able to caricature even the most respectable people and turn them into laughing stocks. He introduced us to twitter story telling an art which has become popular especially after any twitter organized event or controversy.
The secret to being a renowned meme legend probably lies in having a huge meme arsenal or the ability to generate one within a time that the tweet it is in response to is still viable. These trolls can even fit a meme to your harmless "Good morning" tweet and invite "strangers" into your mentions with their [insert laughing and crying emoji].

Meme generation is a high level specialist troll group which requires the actors in this group to identify and highlight the funny undertones in supposedly ordinary everyday photos like Twitter event shots and your Facebook "blasts-from-the-past" photos. A picture says a thousand words, but a picture with words say a thousand and one words; that is how influential these troll memes can be.

Sports Trolls:
Meet @Stayne_ a Manchester United fan who lives to torment Liverpool Fans, Arsenal fans and any other fan that dares to usurp his dear club's throne. This fellow takes more pleasure in seeing rival teams lose than seeing his own team win.  In the 2013/2014 Premier League season, Man U led by David Moyes were having a terrible season and Liverpool looked all set to win the league. For Stayne, the thought of Liverpool winning the league hurt far more than his team at seventh place. Liverpool somehow managed to throw away their lead thanks to a slip by their captain and talisman Stevie Gerrard.

The misery of Liverpool fans nourished him. He took great joy in reminding Liverpool fans how Man U castaways like Bebe, Don Fangzhuo and the likes had more premier league medals than their great captain. 
His account was recently suspended for five days after Liverpool fans worldwide reported him as spam. After the account was unblocked, he continued where he left off, unrepentant. He' is like a plague, sent by the gods of football to torment everyone else. 

Snake Under Grass:
They look like mild mannered tweeps until they are not. Their Clark Kent to Superman transformation always catches you by surprised. Meet @Quasiadu, snake under grass troll numero uno. He's the puppet master behind the Against Supporters Union (ASU).  He and his legion of trolls only exist to cheer whichever team is playing against your favorite team. The 2013/2014 EPL season was filled with glory days thanks to David Moyes and Stevie Gerrard. Jose Mourinho going trophiless was an extra bonus.

The Snake Under Grass' favorite victims are other sports trolls. Members of ASU were constantly pitching camp in Stayne's mentions.

@Quasiadu and @Stayne_ achieved international notoriety during the London Olympic games when Nigeria played against the USA in basketball. Their constant trolling of the Nigerian team's abysmal performance didn't sit too well with Nigeria twitter. This led to a fully fledged war between Gh and 9ja twitter. At the peak of the hostilities, these two left the battlefield for some high ground so they could admire the chaos. Nero, watching as Rome burned.

Grammar Nazis:
That’s what everyone calls them, probably because they want to purge the world of all bad grammar users. These groups of trolls are mainly opportunistic hunters. They mind their own business till someone makes a spelling mistake or grammatical error then they pounce. There used to be accounts that were solely dedicated to this form of trolling but they seem to have faded away. Grammar Nazis are probably the most tolerated kind of troll, that is until you are the one being trolled.
I’ve noticed that the quality of English written on twitter has improved a lot late. Either the trolls have scared people into writing proper English or they driven the bad nuts away. Once in a while though, you still find someone writing something so terrible, you can’t help trolling no matter who you are.

Once in a while, someone types some gibberish that even the Grammar Nazis refuse to touch.

Religious Trolls:
Religious trolls fall into two categories, Atheists and Christians. For some reason people of other religions don't seem to troll as much and Atheists seem more interested in hounding Christians.
The Christian troll's favorite word is “Blasphemy”. They can't take a joke. They appear uninvited in conversations that have nothing to do with them and start asking you to repent. These are not your regular Everybody-is-Holy-on-Sunday-Christians. When they are not hounding everyone else with random Bible verses, they are tweeting things like, “The sun doesn’t shine at night so retweet if you love Jesus”.

All atheists on twitter seem to know each other and the moment one of them enters your mentions, there rest follow and pitch camp. I really don’t get the Christian versus Atheist debate. The Christians won’t be convinced there is no God and the atheists won’t be convinced there is.

In the end, they are more alike than they like to admit. They are all trying to shove their opinions down your throat.  

Technically there’s a third group. The confused ones. They are on the atheist bandwagon because they think it’s cool but don’t understand the basic principles. Funny thing is they are more aggressive than the true atheist and are always in an argument with someone and contradicting themselves. You have to admire their misguided determination.

Bloggers and Mixtapers:
Technically these guys should be considered as spammers but let’s just call them trolls. The only difference between Bloggers and Mixtapers is that you probably follow the Blogger and have no idea how the Mixtaper appeared in your mentions. Mixtapers are among the most slandered people on Gh twitter but they have tough skins and don’t really mind the abuse.

Annoying People and Parody Accounts:
This account, @SkuBoye, is rated 18, NSFW and generally anything that children shouldn’t be looking at. He account was suspended but he came back with another and just continued being annoying. His over the top trolling of has led to some really epic responses from some Ghanaian celebrities.
Jon Germain's respond to SkuBoye's tweet led to the hashtag #JonGermainCanFind

@pweedyella is not as X-rated as @SkuBoye but no less annoying. I’m not sure if the person behind the account is a he or a she but the person definitely has no sense of moderation when it comes to trolling.

As far as I know this is the only spoof site in Ghana.  They take serious topics and turn them into jokes. In a country where serious topics are a joke anyway, this account isn’t running out of topics anytime soon. It’s always interesting when people take a story from YesiYesi seriously. Very often, news sites will take a story from this spoof account seriously and repost it as news. Your favorite Ghanaian politician or celebrity has probably been ridiculed by YesiYesi more than once. 

Do Not Feed the Trolls:
Do not fight with trolls unless you can knock them out. People might not be paying attention to what is going on but will drop everything to come watch a fight. They might not agree with what the troll is saying but will immediately gang up on you if you get abusive.

However, if you manage to give the troll a good punch they will carry you shoulder high and then turn on the troll. Twitter folks are fickle. They are just here for the thrill. Whoever is providing it gets their support regardless of who is right or wrong.
@NiiLexis spent a lot of time trolling Guinness until one day this happened...
Unfortunately, the Guinness Ghana account was closed down not long after but they definitely gained the respect of Gh twitter folks after that epic comeback.

By popular request I'm adding this guy, sigh. I really want to say something nice or funny about this guy but I keep drawing blanks. There are annoying people, there are arseholes and then there is @Kwakutii. From all indications he's an intelligent guy but as someone said, he doesn't have 'Efie Nyansa' (wisdom). His insensitivity, ridiculously entrenched positions and know-it-all attitude rapidly earned him infamy on Gh twitter. This guy just gave trolls a bad name.

This guy was was the most blocked person on Gh twitter. From celebs to sports men and even people who knew him personally, everyone was blocking him. I'm not sure why I followed him for so long but I finally had to block him after he made some insensitive remarks to a friend about a family member she had lost less than 24 hours earlier. His account is no longer active on twitter, I don't know if twitter suspended his account or what but i'm not too perturbed.

Hasta la vista @Kwakutii, you won't be missed

Don’t bother explaining. Twitter folks don’t care. Sarkodie’s Irish cream line at on BET Chypher was a trolls delight and Sarkodie’s attempt to explain it led to more trolling than he expected.

Follow these accounts if you are brave enough but don't say i didn't warn you.

Any other kind of troll i forgot about? Leave that as a comment