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Showing posts with label Africa. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Africa. Show all posts

Wednesday, 13 August 2014

Ebola, Rumor has it...

Eating cola nuts cures Ebola, according to rumors flying around in Ghana, at least. First I found this hilarious. Surely, no one would believe this. However, it stopped being funny when I found out how wide spread this rumor was. I heard some radio stations and TV stations had aired this. This is just one of the many ridiculous stories making the rounds about Ebola, AIDS, Cholera and most deadly diseases. The problem with this is Ghanaians tend to believe unfounded rumors more than scientific facts. People will turn down conventional medicine but religiously apply these strange 'remedies' and end up dying with discolored teeth to show for their troubles.

I investigated where these rumors started and found out there was a chain message going round on WhatsApp. One of those annoying, “Forward this to 10 people and see what happens” kind. Why anyone will take those things serious is beyond me. Anyway, so I kept searching and finally came across the name Dr Maurice Iwu, a Nigerian. His claims aren’t supported by anyone else and various medical groups in Nigeria have come out to refute his claims. It took me a whole 10 minutes to find this out. So why couldn’t radio and TV stations investigate before putting these stories out there? Have they forgotten the Fauster Atta Mensah debacle so soon?

Meanwhile, in Nigeria where the cola nut cure is supposed to have originated, they believe salt and not cola nut is the cure for Ebola. Salt sellers couldn’t be more pleased. I heard that people have been adding caps of salt to bathing water. People have taken to drinking salt water and over salting their meals in an attempt to avoid the deadly disease.


Then there are the spiritual solutions. Whenever there's a tragedy that grabs wide attention, all manners of “spiritual gurus” pop up in an attempt to make a name for themselves. Recently, a witch doctor lost his not-so-hard earned reputation when he nearly drowned. He had been called upon to act on his claim that he had incantations with which he could communicate with spirits to release the body of the allegedly drowned afro-pop musician, Castro. The irony. As a Christian, when pastors cash in on disasters for personal glory, I get very angry.

There are two groups of pastors when it comes to cashing in on disasters. There are those who swear they are experts in eschatology and always claim every disaster is a sign of the End Times. These people keep predicting the end of the world and well, we are still here. I’ve heard a few pastors on radio say that Ebola is punishment from God because of homosexuals. Another said it was one of the prophesied pestilences that herald the Second Coming of Christ. This group is generally annoying but not as dangerous as the second group.
The second group, which in my opinion is the more dangerous, is the ‘Miracle Workers’. These pastors claim they can cure anything. A few years ago, there was one group that refused to have their children immunized against poliobecause their religious leaders told them not to. Polio would probably have been completely eliminated if not for such groups.

People are dying from diseases that could have been cured if people sought early help instead of spiritual solutions. Sick people are traveling all the way from Ghana to Nigeria to consult pastors when a hospital is nearer. For me this is frustrating. My opinion is that these religious leaders should be arrested and charged with murder any time one of these people dies. One of the most annoying things about people who seek spiritual solution is, whenever the said patient is about to die, they manage to take the person to the hospital. By which time, it is usually too late for the doctors to do anything. If however, the doctor manages to save the patient, you see them in the churches of these charlatans giving thanks to the pastor for saving their lives.
In recent times, there’s been a new group of conspiracy theorist. Their mantra goes something like, “So-so-and-so disease was created in the lab by white people to kill black people”. For me these people are just entertaining. I love listening to them spew big words and twisted scientific concepts to suit their arguments.
Two Americans are reportedly responding to an experimental Ebola medication.  Obama recently said, the cure isn’t ready for Africa yet. "They conduct dangerous drug trails on unsuspecting Africans all the time but the one that actually works they won’t try on us?", was what one said to me. Conspiracy theorist had a field day. I honestly have no opinion. I just want a proven cure made available.

So if rumors are to be believed, no disease is caused naturally by pathogens. Certainly not Ebola. It’s either spiritual or artificial. People have been advised to stay away from bush meat but knowing they can’t be bothered. They hold fast to their archaic views to either cause panic or to holding on to some ridiculous cure claim.

Anyone who knows me would know I’m a bit of a germaphobe. Ever since the Ebola rumors started I’ve been overdosing on hand sanitizers, bathing every time I get back home no matter how brief I was outdoors and staying away from anything I didn't cook myself.

If you ever meet me don’t offer to give me a hug or handshake. Stay a safe distance and throw me a peace sign. Peace!

what is the strangest thing you've heard about Ebola? Please share

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Monday, 13 January 2014

African Nations In High School ( #AfricanNationsInHighSchool )

On Sunday January 12, 2014, @SiyandaWrites on twitter started the #AfricanNationsInHighSchool which quickly caught on. Africans everywhere (including yours truly) joined in with some witty tweets. Here is a collection of some of them.




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Wednesday, 21 August 2013

Signs of the End Times (Funny Church Signs from Africa)



It's either the modern African Christian scares the devil or causes him to laugh hysterically. I'm not sure which it is but here are some pictures to help you decide.

If we are in the 'End Times', then these are literally the signs

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Friday, 16 August 2013

A Letter to a Wannabe Terrorist

This was my first satirical piece. I wrote it in 2010 after the failed suicide bombing attack by Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab nicknamed rather underwhelmingly, "The Underwear Bomber".


A LETTER TO A WANNABE TERRORIST
Somewhere in Ghana,
02/01/2010

Dear Mr. Terrorist Wannabe,
I’ve been wondering for some time what prompted you to take up your new profession that ended before it even started. After thinking about it for a while I decided to write to you.

I really don’t blame you for your misguided actions. I blame your rich parents for not giving a good African beating that you deserve and which is long overdue. I’m talking about the kind my Old Man gave me in class 2 when I couldn’t say my 7 times table. After that switching of my behind I was reciting it in minutes. Instead they rewarded you with a trip to the UK to study Engineering; you’d think there weren’t enough Universities in Africa. What sort of parents are those? When they heard you were frolicking in Yemen, one wonders why they didn’t order you back home for another severe African beating? Instead they reported you to the American Embassy.

I don’t blame the American for not taking them serious, they know Africans can’t do anything right, and you proved them right. Why should they commit resources to an African amateur terrorist when there are serious minded terrorist trotting around the globe? You just affirmed that the African can’t get anything right. There wasn’t even a small pop, how pathetic.

Where on Earth did you purchase those explosives, the black on market? Don’t you know that goods bought on the African Black Market are of questionable quality and sold by shady characters? Nobody here was surprised they didn’t work. In fact, if you had been smart enough to ask someone they would have shown you where to get original explosives at Christmas discount prices.

If I may ask, why on Earth did you hide the explosives in your underwear? Did you not read the terrorist handbook ‘Terrorism for Dummies’? In the last chapter it states that “all terrorist after a successful completion of the deed shall be guaranteed 70 virgins”. What were you planning to Service them with when your Organ would have been destroyed beyond recognition and repair.

Finally I’d like to conclude by saying you an absolute disgrace to all terrorist, an even bigger embarrassment to Africans everywhere and most of all a big shame to all my many Nigerian friends. May you rot in Guantanamo Bay with 70 strong men ready to attack you from behind day and night without any lubrication.

A fellow African,
Dela.

Mutallab ; n: A rich kid who attempts to throw his life away for silly reasons. 

Usage Examples: 'Are you a Mutallab?' 'Stop this Mutallabness.' 'get out of the road you Muta-Muta.' 

Local Dialect Use>' Wo ma Mutallab ori e', 'Commot your Mutallab body for my shop! 

Accepted abbreviation> Mu-Mu


 
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Tuesday, 1 January 2013

Boat Race 1: A Political Parable



An annual Canoe Rowing Competition was organized between Africa and Europe. The rules were simple; each team was to be made up of seven people and the first team to the end of the river would be declared winner. The teams were to decide among themselves the strategy they would deploy to win the race. They were each provided with a stop watch, money for what ever purpose they wanted and any number of oars they wanted.

The European team appointed one person as the leader and the same person as the time keeper. The leader bought a carton of energy drinks, sandwiches and promised the team an amount of money each if they won the race.

He formed a team of four rowers and two backs ups who would relieve two of the rowers a one third of the journey and the relieved workers would take over from the last two when they were two thirds way through the journey. At every time two rowed on the left and another two on the right. The leader did nothing except keep time and once in a  while utter give a few motivational words.

The African team elected a leader who in turn appointed an assistant, a time keeper and a motivational speaker. The remaining three were to be rowers. A box of cabin biscuits was the refreshment. The leader, his assistant, the time keeper and the motivational speaker were not to take part in the rowing.

The race began and the fans cheered and waited expectantly. The European team started a bit slowly but the leader kept motivating his team till gradually they picked up speed.

The African team started furiously and took a head start but soon problems began to arise. Since there were two rowers on one side and one on the other side, the rowing wasn't well balanced and the boat kept moving in one direction. The leader and his assistant kept berating the rowers and the motivational speaker kept using big words the poor rowers couldn't understand. The weight of the four executive members also added extra burden to the rowers. To make matters worse the rowers got hungry and eating cabin biscuit made them thirsty.

The European team arrived at the finish line a good three hours before the African team arrived. The leader of the European team true to his word gave the rest of the team some money as a reward for winning though he kept a large portion for himself.

The African team arrived later fighting among themselves. On arrival at the finishing line the leader formed a fact finding committee made up of himself, his assistant, the time keeper and the motivational speaker. The committees' duty was to ascertain the cause of the loss. Money was spent on refreshment and sitting allowance. The committee came to the conclusion that:

  1. the rowers had been lazy
  2. some of the rowers had intentionally sabotaged they race
  3. the team should have had a navigator
It was decided that the three rowers be fired. Three new people were hired. One of them was to be a navigator and the other two were to be rowers. The two rowers were to start immediate training in preparation for next years race.



Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction. Names, characters and incidents are either a product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.  

Wednesday May 4, 2011

NB: Loosely based on a story i heard as a kid

Find Part 2 here "Boat Race 2: A Political Parable
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