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Thursday, 24 January 2013

Blinded By Religion


Road safety experts and doctors advice that drivers do not hang or put little banners or figurines on the drivers mirror or dashboard. This could cause unnecessary distractions or block the driver's view and may cause an accident. Also, figurines and statuettes could further damage during an accident.

This driver had been to so many safety meetings but despite the numerous warnings, he had a figurine of Jesus with both hands raised planted on firmly on his dashboard. You see, he was a Christian and Jesus was there for luck. One day while speeding without his seatbelt, a goat crossed the road and when he slammed the brakes, inertia threw him forward and somehow, he collided with 'little-statue-Jesus' whose two raised hand poked him in both eyes leaving him permanently blind. 

He was blinded by religion, literally and figuratively.

Ghana has a 'God-will-do-it' problem. Most West African countries do but being Ghanaian I will only speak about my country. This problem is not unique to Christians but all three major religions (Christianity, Islam and Traditional).

People ignore safety measures in this country because 'God is our protector' this leads to many avoidable casualties. On December 24, 2012 I had to make a trip from Kumasi to Ho. Apart from the Metro Mass buses and 207 Mercedes Benz buses there's no public transport that plies this route. Given the morbid safety record of 207 buses I chose the Metro Mass. There were so many people at the station that day and instead of the regular two buses to Ho there was only one. People were desperate and the officials took advantage to overload the bus. People were standing and some were seated on bags the floor. Soon people started complaining they couldn't breath. I called the metro mass emergency number which didn't work, of course. Thanks to a friend I finally was able to speak to the head office. To my surprise the lady I spoke to went like, “HMMM, IT'S HARD OH, LET'S JUST PRAY NOTHING HAPPENED TO THEM”. I was so stunned as I helplessly watched the overloaded bus move away. Why pray when we were not doing the right thing?

No Ghanaian has ever died of natural cause. This is a fact. Ghanaians die of two main supernatural causes. Either God kills them (the will of God) or some Evil Spirit does. No matter how the person dies, one of these two is the cause. When someone dies of old age, it is the will of God (God killed the person) and when someone not too old dies, one of the devils agents is to blame. Usual some misunderstood person is found and accused of being the devils tool.

When someone is sick, rather than visit a hospital, people would rather visit some sort of spiritualist and get duped out of huge sums of money. It is only when the person is almost dead they rush him to the hospital hoping for the doctor to perform some sort of miracle and save him. If the person dies, the devil is blamed. If the person is saved, the spiritualist who duped them get the credit. The doctor gets no credit. 

 
A Pastor can get away with anything in this country because most people are afraid the wrath of God will rain down on them. They will refer you to

Psalm 105: 15 and 1 Chronicles 16:22
“Do not touch my anointed ones; do my prophets no harm.”

Almost everyday we hear stories of one for of despicable act or another by a “man of God”. The next thing we hear is a bunch of sycophants trying to justify or rationalize his behavior. Either “it was the devil” or “it is not what it seems. You don't know the full story”.

The most annoying thing that religious bodies get away with has to be noise pollution. Churches spring up everywhere in residential areas and make unacceptable levels of noise. All night prayers seven days a week with speakers blasting non-stop. Exhausted hardworking Ghanaians come home from work to rest and can't get a piece of mind in their own homes because some church is praying to God. Anyone who complains is branded an Anti-christ. The authorities turn a blind eye to this ever increasing phenomenon which encourages more churches to join in.

I have no idea why churches in this country don't pay tax. Obviously, the church today is all about profit making. As Rocky Dawuni put it, “...commercializing Jesus Christ, selling tickets to the hereafter...”. When secular musician start to lose their relevance, they quickly switch to Gospel music or become pastors. That is the one place where you can make money off the Ghanaian without being necessarily talented. An untalented secular musician can't make any money but a gospel one can.

I'm a Christian, I believe God will not come down from heaven and do for us what we can do for ourselves. God will not come and give us common sense to discern right from wrong.

Bob Marley - Get Up Stand Up





“Most people think,
Great god will come from the skies,
Take away everything
And make everybody feel high.
But if you know what life is worth,
You will look for yours on earth:
And now you see the light,
You stand up for your rights. Jah!”

Bob Marley
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Tuesday, 1 January 2013

Boat Race 1: A Political Parable



An annual Canoe Rowing Competition was organized between Africa and Europe. The rules were simple; each team was to be made up of seven people and the first team to the end of the river would be declared winner. The teams were to decide among themselves the strategy they would deploy to win the race. They were each provided with a stop watch, money for what ever purpose they wanted and any number of oars they wanted.

The European team appointed one person as the leader and the same person as the time keeper. The leader bought a carton of energy drinks, sandwiches and promised the team an amount of money each if they won the race.

He formed a team of four rowers and two backs ups who would relieve two of the rowers a one third of the journey and the relieved workers would take over from the last two when they were two thirds way through the journey. At every time two rowed on the left and another two on the right. The leader did nothing except keep time and once in a  while utter give a few motivational words.

The African team elected a leader who in turn appointed an assistant, a time keeper and a motivational speaker. The remaining three were to be rowers. A box of cabin biscuits was the refreshment. The leader, his assistant, the time keeper and the motivational speaker were not to take part in the rowing.

The race began and the fans cheered and waited expectantly. The European team started a bit slowly but the leader kept motivating his team till gradually they picked up speed.

The African team started furiously and took a head start but soon problems began to arise. Since there were two rowers on one side and one on the other side, the rowing wasn't well balanced and the boat kept moving in one direction. The leader and his assistant kept berating the rowers and the motivational speaker kept using big words the poor rowers couldn't understand. The weight of the four executive members also added extra burden to the rowers. To make matters worse the rowers got hungry and eating cabin biscuit made them thirsty.

The European team arrived at the finish line a good three hours before the African team arrived. The leader of the European team true to his word gave the rest of the team some money as a reward for winning though he kept a large portion for himself.

The African team arrived later fighting among themselves. On arrival at the finishing line the leader formed a fact finding committee made up of himself, his assistant, the time keeper and the motivational speaker. The committees' duty was to ascertain the cause of the loss. Money was spent on refreshment and sitting allowance. The committee came to the conclusion that:

  1. the rowers had been lazy
  2. some of the rowers had intentionally sabotaged they race
  3. the team should have had a navigator
It was decided that the three rowers be fired. Three new people were hired. One of them was to be a navigator and the other two were to be rowers. The two rowers were to start immediate training in preparation for next years race.



 Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction. Names, characters and incidents are either a product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.  

 Wednesday May 4, 2011

 NB: Loosely based on a story i heard as a kid

Find Part 2 here "Boat Race 2: A Political Parable" 
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Thursday, 20 December 2012

Ghanaian History

On 19th December I along with a few friends started the #GhanaianHistory twitter trend. Here are some of the really hilarious tweets.

These tweets are embedded so feel free to retweet or follow their owner.
Join the fun, leave a comment





































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Sunday, 4 November 2012

The Breast Argument, a Biblical Perspective



I was watching Ghana Television (GTV; probably the worst station in recorded time) about a week ago when I saw Nurses on what was supposed to be an awareness march of some kind. They held placards that carried different messages. I was totally scandalized when I read the placard of the lead nurse. It read, “BREAST IS FOR BABIES NOT HUSBANDS”! I was shocked that authorities could allow this falsehood to be preached. When I pointed out that this was obviously wrong, I was met with strong resistance from a section of the public. I therefore decided to write this article to clear any lingering doubts.

For my source of reference I chose the one book majority of people are reluctant to challenge; The Holy Bible. I chose to make most of my arguments from the books written by the one who is regarded as the wisest man who ever lived; King Solomon. 1 Kings 4: 29-34 describes the full extent of Solomon’s wisdom.

King Solomon the Wise man that that he was left clues in his the three books that are attributed to him (Proverbs, Ecclesiastes and Songs of Solomon). In these books it is possible to deduce correctly who these beautiful orbs belong to.

First of all I would boldly state that these beautiful Orbs were created by a certain perfectionist we all love to call God. They are not the result of some random set of inexplicable coincidences. Man’s fascinations with these Orbs are not recent. Long ago Wise King Solomon paid glowing tributes to them. These tributes were deemed fit to be added to the Bible by theologians and Biblical scholars who translated and decided upon which books should make up this most holy of books.

In Song of Solomon 4:5
Your two Breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle among the lilies.

Song of Solomon 7:3
Your breasts are like two fawn, twins of a gazelle.

Song of Solomon 7:7
Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like cluster of fruit.

Song of Solomon 7:8
I said, “I will climb the palm tree; I will take hold of its fruit”. May your breast be like the cluster of vine, the fragrance of your breath like apples

From these verses we notice that Breasts are described as gazelles, fruits and vines. Gazelles because of the grace and beauty they possess and vine because of their wonderfully intoxicating effects. These are obviously feeling that babies cannot experience. Vines are fruits that are sucked with great meditation which is in sharp contrast to the greedy approach babies have toward these objects of beauty.

Isaiah 66:11
“That you may nurse and be satisfied with her comforting breasts, That you may suck and be delighted with her bountiful bosom."

In the verse above, the Bible clearly states that a woman's breast is a great source of comfort and admonishes men to suck them and gain great joy. The Bible particularly supports the sucking of 'bountiful' breasts.

In Proverbs 5: 17-19
17 – they are yours alone, never to be shared with strangers.
18 – may your FOUNTAIN be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
19 – a loving doe, a graceful deer, MAY HER BREAST SATISFY YOU ALWAYS, may you ever be captivated by her love.

These verses are quite self explanatory. The Bible admonishes men to zealously guard and protect what is rightfully theirs, never to share them with stranger. Verse 19 is of uttermost importance. “MAY HER BREAST SATISFY YOU ALWAYS”, these words of wisdom say it all.
Out of the kindness of our hearts we men allow babies to use what is rightfully ours for a period. This should not be mistaken for a gift. It’s a loan which we take back when the time is right.

The Bible further says that women whose breasts are not well formed have difficulty getting men to marry.

In Songs of Solomon 8:8
We have a young sister whose breasts are not yet grown, what shall we do if she is to be spoken for (engaged)

The young sister in the passage is obviously matured enough for them to be considering her engagement. Her siblings are however quite worried because she has small breast for her age. This means men wouldn’t be attracted to her. This is a problem so serious they have to start thinking of a plan before the day arrives.

With all these points I believe I have proved beyond all reasonable and unreasonable doubts that the breasts of a woman are the bona fide property of her man. He may choose to lend them to a baby for a while but this doesn’t mean he forfeits ownership.

2 Timothy3:16
All scripture is God-breathed and useful for teaching…

November 19, 2009

picture credit: Efua Kwenua Acquaye



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Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Behold, All Things Have Almost Become New


For most Ghanaian Christian youth, there’s the church your parent attend which you used to attend and there’s the church you started attending when you went to school. The two churches are so different, sometimes it hard to believe they are the same religion.

In your parent’s church, the choir still wears robes and sings hymn, the instruments include a trumpet, very old drums and probably even an accordion. The Priest still dresses in black, has that white collar thing around his neck and has “back-bush” hair cut. His title is a mere Pastor or at best Reverend and he still gives sermons in King James. During service, half the congregation is fast asleep or engaged in some frivolous conversation. Worst of all, during collection, the church manages to raise only a few hundred Ghana cedis.  

Your church, Something-Something-International, is so cool you don’t even have to call it by its full name; everyone calls it by its acronym, XYZ. The choir is so hip that sometimes the choir master raps during the song. The Bass Guitarist has dreads and wears a pink top. The ladies in the church wear trousers that are one size too small and no skirt drops below the knees. Your Pastor drives an expensive car (by the grace of God) is a Reverend Doctor or maybe even a Reverend Doctor Doctor but he’s so humble he allows everyone to call him by his nickname. During fund raising the church raises more that a few thousand cedis.

I hadn’t seen my parents in a while so when I had one free weekend I decided to visit them. There is no way I was going home for the weekend without going to church. My Dear Mom is one of those super-Christians and staying at home on Sunday is somewhere down there close to first degree murder. I had to psyche myself and prepare for a boring service at my old church.

Sunday morning and I was dressed up looking very holy. See, you can’t go to one of those old churches looking like you are going to a new church. Some random old person would call you aside and give you some words of advice.

The first thing I noticed after being away for two years was that there was a huge colourful sign outside. That wasn’t there the last time. There were lots of new people in the church who thought I was new. Can you imagine that? Where were there when we were still under a shed? I actually noticed a lady wearing trousers! It was baggy but still, trousers all the same. What was going on? The Usher even distributed a program sheet that said service would end at 11:30!! Things had changed in the two years I had been away.

Sermon started and the preacher was teaching on “7 Ways to Financial Success” and everyone was busy writing note. Gone were the boring, “Love your neighbor as yourself” sermons. The Pastor was hyperactive and shouting the sermon. (Why do preachers shout into microphones anyway? Why not just increase the volume?) The sermon was being interjected by random loud “Hallelujahs” and “Preach On”. All this felt strange to me. I was used to this in my new church but not in my old church.

Soon it was offering time and in the queue to the bowl there was this guy dancing like his life depended on it. He would go a few steps forward, twirl, jump and perform all sort of complex feet movement. The problem with this is that, I’m one of those guys who can’t dance. Yep, black man with no rhythm (this is actually considered a disability by some people).  This guy was making me look really bad and I couldn’t wait to drop my money into the bin and hurry to my seat. A few years ago, it would have been a solemn march to the offering bowl.



Offering time in an African Church

It was past 12:00 and it didn’t look like we would close soon. I kept stealing glances at my mobile phone and the program line up. It seems I was the only one worried about the time. Everyone else seemed to be “In the Spirit”.

Finally, it was time for announcements. That is always the last thing so you know closing time was just around the corner. It seemed they had not yet found a way to make announcements a bit more exciting. It was the old boring funerals, mid-week meetings etc all read in a very boring voice. I wouldn’t help but notice that the mid-week activities had increase. Apart from Saturday, every other day was occupied.

I was in a hurry to go home right after the closing prayer but that didn’t happen. Everyone wanted to talk to me. The old-timers in the church would stop me only to talk about my embarrassing childhood moment and tell me how old I had grown. Everyone wanted to know when I was getting married. I spent another 45minutes before finally leaving.

On my way home I noticed another church that hadn’t closed yet. It didn’t look like they would be closing anytime soon. I couldn’t help thinking to myself that I seriously needed to synchronize my watch to God’s time which was obviously the best and had a few extra hours.




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Tuesday, 9 October 2012

The Art of Paying Bribe


If you’ve lived in Ghana for a while, chances are that you’ve had to pay bribe at one point to get something done. Bribes are an unavoidable part of the Ghanaian society. Without them, nothing moves. One popular Ghanaian politician said corruption can not be totally eradicated from society.

There are certain etiquette one has to observe in paying bribes. No self respecting Ghanaian will accept bribes “just like that”. The giver needs to learn the right way to give it. I’ve attempted to document the rules that govern the giving of bribes.

LANGUAGE:
The giving of bribe inspires some of the most beautiful parables and proverbs you can find around. For example when giving a bribe, you don’t say, “Please take this Gh¢300 as bribe”. That’s just unacceptable. You have to say, “Please take this Gh¢300 to buy some pure water”. Never mind that pure water cost a mere 10p. This way the receiver can take the bribe with a clear conscience.

You also need to be wise enough to understand when someone is asking for bribe. Some time ago I had to get a Security clearance from the Police. I was told that it took two weeks for the report to be done or 3days for express. I paid for express and returned on the forth day. When I got there the report had not yet been done. According to the officer, there were so many papers on his table and his Binatone Standing fan kept blowing them away. He said he wanted a stone to put on my application so that mine didn’t get blown away. So I got him an expensive stone and right in front of me he filled the form and I was on my way.

PRESENTATION
You shall under no circumstance give bribe in a brown envelope. Brown envelopes in Ghana are synonymous with bribes so at all cost, avoid them. You can put the money in a white envelope or present it unwrapped. Bribes may not be presented as cheque or money order. If it has to be money, it should always be cold hard cash.

It is not bribe if it is not money. You may present your bribe in the form of hampers especially during festivities. Hampers have become a part of the Ghanaian society. You can even present a hamper in public without anyone frowning on it.

At the beginning of the High School academic year it is normal to see parents visiting the residence of headmasters with fattened goats. These goats are the means by which student who didn’t qualify ride into various schools. No one can accuse the headmaster of taking bribe; all he took was a goat.
You may also present what ever money or gift you have to the person’s children. For example you can offer to pay his kids school fees for one term or buy a very expensive gift for his kids on their birthday or Christmas. No one can say that is a bribe, obviously the kids are not the same as their parents.

CONCLUSION
If for any reason someone is bold enough to ask you directly for bribe, you are not allowed to bargain. Just pay up.
Always remember, if you don’t pay it won’t get done. Just accept that and don’t give anyone a lecture on morality or patriotism.




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