Signs of the End Times (Funny Church Signs from Africa)

It's either the modern African Christian scares the devil or causes him to laugh hysterically. I'm not sure which it is but here are some pictures to help you decide.

If we are in the 'End Times', then these are literally the signs

Tweet

comments

A Letter to a Wannabe Terrorist

This was my first satirical piece. I wrote it in 2010 after the failed suicide bombing attack by Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab nicknamed rather underwhelmingly, "The Underwear Bomber".

A LETTER TO A WANNABE TERRORIST

Somewhere in Ghana,

02/01/2010

Dear Mr. Terrorist Wannabe,

I’ve been wondering for some time what prompted you to take up your new profession that ended before it even started. After thinking about it for a while I decided to write to you.

I really don’t blame you for your misguided actions. I blame your rich parents for not giving a good African beating that you deserve and which is long overdue. I’m talking about the kind my Old Man gave me in class 2 when I couldn’t say my 7 times table. After that switching of my behind I was reciting it in minutes. Instead they rewarded you with a trip to the UK to study Engineering; you’d think there weren’t enough Universities in Africa. What sort of parents are those? When they heard you were frolicking in Yemen, one wonders why they didn’t order you back home for another severe African beating? Instead they reported you to the American Embassy.

I don’t blame the American for not taking them serious, they know Africans can’t do anything right, and you proved them right. Why should they commit resources to an African amateur terrorist when there are serious minded terrorist trotting around the globe? You just affirmed that the African can’t get anything right. There wasn’t even a small pop, how pathetic.

Where on Earth did you purchase those explosives, the black on market? Don’t you know that goods bought on the African Black Market are of questionable quality and sold by shady characters? Nobody here was surprised they didn’t work. In fact, if you had been smart enough to ask someone they would have shown you where to get original explosives at Christmas discount prices.

If I may ask, why on Earth did you hide the explosives in your underwear? Did you not read the terrorist handbook ‘Terrorism for Dummies’? In the last chapter it states that “all terrorist after a successful completion of the deed shall be guaranteed 70 virgins”. What were you planning to Service them with when your Organ would have been destroyed beyond recognition and repair.

Finally I’d like to conclude by saying you an absolute disgrace to all terrorist, an even bigger embarrassment to Africans everywhere and most of all a big shame to all my many Nigerian friends. May you rot in Guantanamo Bay with 70 strong men ready to attack you from behind day and night without any lubrication.

A fellow African,

Dela.

Mutallab ; n: A rich kid who attempts to throw his life away for silly reasons. 

Usage Examples: 'Are you a Mutallab?' 'Stop this Mutallabness.' 'get out of the road you Muta-Muta.' 

Local Dialect Use>' Wo ma Mutallab ori e', 'Commot your Mutallab body for my shop! 

Accepted abbreviation> Mu-Mu

 

Tweet

comments

Oral History from Ghana (the Ewes and others)

Sometimes I'm embarrassed I know so much European & American history but little Gh history It hard to take Gh history serious, too much myth
— Efo Dela (@Amegaxi) July 24, 2013

It is really hard to find any post-European history about Ghana and Ghanaian tribes. Most of what we know is oral history and it’s hard to separate myth from fact. Stories that are obviously myth have become accepted as fact making it difficult for some of us to believe anything. In primary school we learned about the migration of the Ewes and other tribes but that wasn’t enough for me. I pestered my Dad and any adult I could find to tell me more about our history.

Over the years I’ve tried to gather as much oral history about my tribe, the Ewes, as possible. I’m going to share a few of the less know ones in this post.

THE ORIGIN OF THE NAME ‘AYIGBE’:

In Ghana, the Ewes are sometimes referred to as ‘Ayigbe-fuɔ’, by the Akans and ’Ayigbe-tsɛmɛin’ by the Ga people. Some people find this name offensive others don’t.

It is believed that the Ewes and the Gas migrated to their present locations around the same decade. The Ewes first settled at Nortsie in present day Togo and began farming. The Gas later joined them but after a few years, their population increased considerable and they decided to move to a new land they didn’t have to share. Some of Ewes moved to modern day Ghana in the Volta Region and some of the Gas moved to Accra. The gas who decided to stay (in present day Togo) were led by the Crown Prince called ‘Ayi’ and those who left were led by the King. The migrating Gas left behind some of their royal paraphernalia, gods and priests in the care of Ayi.  

A few years later the King died and a delegation was sent to Ayi to come back home with the gods and priests and take his right full place as King. By that time the Gas and Ewes had intermarried and Ayi had been made a King.

Ayi decided he didn’t want to leave his new home and sent the delegates back to the elders with the messages, “yaa kɛɛ amɛ akɛ, ‘Ayi Gbɛ’”. 

“yaa kɛɛ amɛ akɛ”, means, “Go tell them…” in Ga

And “Ayi Gbɛ”, means, “Ayi refuses or says no” in Ewe. 

The delegates took the message back but pronounced “Ayi Gbɛ” as “Ayigbe”. The elders were no sure of what to make of the message as they didn’t understand Ewe. A new Ga King was later installed but to this day, when the Gas celebrate their annual festival, Homowo, parts of the traditional rites have to be done in Togo.

OKOMFO ANOKYE

I was in class four when I heard the story of Okomfo Anokye and Otumfour Osei Tutu and all I could think was, “Wow, this sound just like Merlin and King Arthur”. Both feature a mysterious and powerful wizard, Okomfo Anokye and Merlin. Both stories talk about a King from humble beginnings, Arthur and Osei Tutu, both feature glorified furniture, the Golden Stool and the Round Table and both have an unremovable sword.

The origin of Okomfo Anokye is a bit sketchy. Some say he just walked out of the forest one day and some say he was born to Ano and Yaa Anubea, both from Awukugua-Akuapim.

Some Ewes believe that Okomfo Anokye was the twin brother of Togbe Tsali a power wizard who lived among the Ewes while they were in Nortsie. Anokye and Tsali decided the two powerful wizards could not occupy the same land and since Anokye was the younger twin he had to leave and find his own path. Anokye traveled west till he reached the land of the Ashantis where he was known as “Ɔkɔmfoa ɔfri Nɔtsie” (The priest/wizard from Nortsie). Somewhere along the line, “Ɔkɔmfoa ɔfri Nɔtsie” became Okomfo Anokye.

Okomfo Anokye's Sword

It is believed that Okomfo Anokye's sword can never be removed and so long as it remain planted in the ground, the Ashanti Kingdom will never end.

Apparently the reason why Okomfo Anokye's sword can't be removed is bcos it's made from the same material Thor's hammer is made from
— Efo Dela (@Amegaxi) September 8, 2012

it makes perfect sense that Okomfo Anokye is the illegitimate son of Odin. His Sword can't be removed and Thor's hammer can't be lifted
— Efo Dela (@Amegaxi) September 8, 2012

(me fooling around with Ghanaian Mythology and European Mythology)

THE HISTORY OF KENTE:

Kente is a very colourful cloth worn by many tribes in Ghana. Kente is loom woven mainly in Bonwire in the Ashanti Region and Agotime Kpetoe in the Volta Region

The Akans believe that Kente was invented by a farmer (or Hunter) in Bonwire who observed a Spider weaving its web and later went home and tried his hand at it. The Ewes from Agotime Kpetoe believe the Akans learnt the art of weaving Kente from them. This post is mainly about Ewes so I will tell their side of the story. Someone else can tell the Akan version.

The people of Kpetoe believe that Kente has been with them for so long that the origin is unknown. It is believed that Ashanti’s learned to weave Kente by visiting some Ewe weavers. The Ewes explained the weaving process to the Ashantis by say, “Kɛ” with means open and “tɛ” which means press. The “Kɛ-Tɛ” is the method of weaving Kente. The Ashantis who learned from the Ewe took this knowledge back home and introduced it to others. They named the cloth “Kente” and attempt to explain “Kɛ-Tɛ” to other weavers.

THE EWE AKAN FEUD:

The Akans and Ewe have a long history of mistrust. No one is really sure of the root of this but there are many stories that seek to explain it. This is the one I know.

The Ashantis were warriors who liked nothing better than conquering other tribes and expanding their kingdom. When the Ewes settled in the Volta Region, it is believed that some of them ventured inland as far as into the Ashanti Kingdom to trade. The Ashantis decided to gather information from these traders in an attempt to go east and conquer the Ewes. The only thing stopping them from reaching Eweland was the Volta River and the Ashantis didn’t know how to cross the river. They hired a few Ewe traders to help them cross when they got there. The plan was to cross the Volta in canoes in small batches till everyone was at the other side. However anytime the boat got into the middle of the river, the Ewe boat men would turn over the canoe and drown the Ashanti warriors who were unable to swim then go back for another batch of warriors. This went on for a while before the Ashantis found out something was not right. When they found out, they killed as many of the boat men they could find and vowed never to trust an Ewe ever again.

Note that none of these stories can not be in anyway confirmed as truth. Every tribe has different versions of these stories. Feel free to share any story about any Ghanaian tribe in the comment section.

PS:

ɛ ➡ the 'E' sound found in 'bed' ie bɛd

ɔ ➡ the 'O' sound found in 'box' ie bɔx

The Story of the Ancient Ewe Language 

(in Ewe with Subtitles in English and other languages)

Tweet

comments