This was my first satirical piece. I wrote it in 2010 after the failed suicide bombing attack by Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab nicknamed rather underwhelmingly, "The Underwear Bomber".
A LETTER TO A WANNABE TERRORIST
Somewhere in Ghana,
02/01/2010
Dear Mr. Terrorist Wannabe,
I’ve
been wondering for some time what prompted you to take up your new
profession that ended before it even started. After thinking about it
for a while I decided to write to you.
I really don’t
blame you for your misguided actions. I blame your rich parents for not
giving a good African beating that you deserve and which is long
overdue. I’m talking about the kind my Old Man gave me in class 2 when I
couldn’t say my 7 times table. After that switching of my behind I was
reciting it in minutes. Instead they rewarded you with a trip to the UK
to study Engineering; you’d think there weren’t enough Universities in
Africa. What sort of parents are those? When they heard you were
frolicking in Yemen, one wonders why they didn’t order you back home for
another severe African beating? Instead they reported you to the
American Embassy.
I don’t blame the American for not
taking them serious, they know Africans can’t do anything right, and you
proved them right. Why should they commit resources to an African
amateur terrorist when there are serious minded terrorist trotting
around the globe? You just affirmed that the African can’t get anything
right. There wasn’t even a small pop, how pathetic.
Where
on Earth did you purchase those explosives, the black on market? Don’t
you know that goods bought on the African Black Market are of
questionable quality and sold by shady characters? Nobody here was
surprised they didn’t work. In fact, if you had been smart enough to ask
someone they would have shown you where to get original explosives at
Christmas discount prices.
If I may ask, why on Earth did
you hide the explosives in your underwear? Did you not read the
terrorist handbook ‘Terrorism for Dummies’? In the last chapter it
states that “all terrorist after a successful completion of the deed
shall be guaranteed 70 virgins”. What were you planning to Service them
with when your Organ would have been destroyed beyond recognition and
repair.
Finally I’d like to conclude by saying you an
absolute disgrace to all terrorist, an even bigger embarrassment to
Africans everywhere and most of all a big shame to all my many Nigerian
friends. May you rot in Guantanamo Bay with 70 strong men ready to
attack you from behind day and night without any lubrication.
A fellow African,
Dela.
Mutallab
Usage Examples: 'Are you a Mutallab?' 'Stop this
Mutallabness.' 'get out of the road you Muta-Muta.'
Local Dialect Use>' Wo ma Mutallab ori e', 'Commot your Mutallab
body for my shop!
Accepted abbreviation> Mu-Mu
